I Hate Myself

I really hate myself, because of the fool I have been ....

As Sebastian my work mate usually says, I feel like I wanna neck myself ...

The one thing that I have worked so hard at keeping it away from myself has just come back in a rush of adrenaline and earthly/worldly impulses. I just dont know what to do with myself. I hate myself so much for doing these things that upset the Lord and keep me away from really experiencing Him. He is holy and I am definately not. How can I sing and say "Lord, Lord!", yet I do not do the things He says? ....... I am just a hypocrite.

All I know is that this has got to stop.

If this continues, it will affect my future in an oh-so negative way and I am actually not exaggerating with this one. It can have ripples in my life and affect the way God wants Me to be.

I Hate you devil. I hate that you have a hold on Me. I hate that no matter what I do or how I try to avoid it, he is always there to lurk his ugly face ...... I really hate this feeling of guilt and condemnation .... I just want to be free ...

I just want ... to be ... free ...

A Guilty Conscience ...

Dont you just hate that feeling of guilt?

It creeps up on you like a lion waiting to prance on its prey. That feeling you get when you have done something that is morally wrong and you just know it in your heart.

I hate this feeling. It makes me feel unworthy, uncertain, sad, and depressed. It just disconnects me to God and also to the people around me. I wish there was a way that I could just start over if I had known all this was going to happen. Now, I fear that it is extremely difficult to get back to the way that things were.

I fear that the devil has warped my mind, negative thoughts and negative thinking always lurks around there and it is affecting my life and my perspective on life itself. Sometimes I feel that I am over it, but over times it feels as though there is no way out ....

However, I believe that JESUS CHRIST has forgiven my sins and that I am worthy of His love, kindess and grace. If there is anyone who can fix me and make me whole again it is Him. He will never leave me nor forsake me, He is my best friend and my comforter, the only truth in my life. I believe that I can do all things through Him.

I know that there are alot of obstacles in life and that sometimes we can falter and fall. But I also know that He is there to pick me up whenever I fall and that He is with me every step of the way.

Thanks Lord for your forgiveness, please help me to stand back up and fight this battle in the spiritual realm .....

Yours Sincerley,

Your Servant.

~ aPpLe FrEaK ~

Hey Guys, i just wanna say:

I LOVE APPLE!!!!!

Random Post ...

It has been a while since I was last here. I guess I just have things on my mind at the moment and I needed to release those thoughts and here I am .... Writing this blog ..

Things that have updated since I was here is that I am currently on the Christmas Holidays, where I have found a job, by the grace of God. I am currently working at Salmat Australia full time, and I am just thankful that I can have a source of income to fund my random endeavours.

Also, I also bought a 13" 2.8GHZ Macbook Pro, and I love it to bits. No more am I going to stay with Windows, Mac is just way better and also more Stylish. The trackpad makes it so easy to get stuff done and I dont even need a mouse anymore. I also love the videos that you can create with iMovie, especially the movie trailers and making slideshows.

Other than that, everything just seems monotonous. I kinda feel alone in my own weird way, even though I know that the Holy Spirit is with Me. I guess I just wish I had that special someone who I can share everyting to. Someone that will be there for Me and not judge Me for what I look like.

I guess I also feel like my life isnt moving forward. Nothing has changed really, and I still feel the same for the past 3 years. I just wish I could be more mature and see things in a more positive outlook ..... I feel withdrawn .... I feel like a shrimp floating through the ocean, not doing much with life and what it has to offer ....

I know that I really need to make a change if I were to have a home, wife, and Family in the future. I know that I need to get my act together and be the man that God whats me to be .... I need to stop living in Sin, and live a holy life, a life that is pleasing to the Lord ...

A couple of church sermons have hit me in some ways. If the Rapture were to appear, would I be taken up to the clouds to mee the Almighty Lord? or am I doomed to spend eternity in a place where HE is not present ..... I know that I am saved and that My hope is in Him, but its just so hard to focus on Him when there are sooo many things in this world that can lead us to fall ..... If I am left behind and have to face the tortures of the Anti-Christ, will I last? .... I actually have a low tolerance for pain and without the holy Spirit there to help Me, What will happen?

All I know is that starting from now one, I must be serious and focus on running this race called life to reach the end. I know that God is with Me wherever I go and that HIS mercy is forever.

Reminiscing ...

Lately, i have come to realize just how good God has been in my life.

Without Him by my side, i would just be a nobody with nothing special, nothing to look forward to, and a bleak future. But because i know that His Holy Spirit is within me, i can do all things, because nothing is impossible for Him.

Recently i got results from BioChem from Uni, and as you might have read in my previous post, i passed. Without Him guiding me, i probably would have failed, it is all because of Him, He deserves all the glory and praise, not me and my own will-power and brain.

Also, another good thing the Lord has done for me recently is that i got a call from ANZ STADIUM about my job application for Customer Service. The interview is tomorrow, and i believe that if i get the job, then God has given it to me.

There are countless thing He has done for me, and i forever will give my thanks to Him. The fact that i am still breathing is a miracle, for without His breath, i would return to the dust. Who are we, that the LORD of the heavens and the earth cares about so much, much more than the angels? It is amazing how much He loves us.

I know i am not perfect, and i do commit sin, but i know He will forgive me and i will never give up. i will keep on fighting, so that when the breath is gone from my body, i will know that i have lived my life all for HIM.

Thank You Lord!

I PASSED BIOCHEMISTRY!!

THANK YOU JESUS!! ~ LUPH YOU FULL!!! =D

God is Able

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able

In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able

An Amazing Encounter ...

This Night has been awesome ...

This is because i went to the night rally of the 2011 Hillsong Conference which was held in the Sydney Convention Centre.

The atmosphere was absolutely amazing, so many people were so passionate to praise and worship God, and also the Vocalists and Musicians were incredible in lifting off the roof! ... The preacher was a man named Jentezen Franklin, and its like God spoke to me through him, his words touched my heart, and i knew that the Holy Spirit spoke to me ... And don't even get me started on the tears lol, they just keep running down my face! ..

After the word of God, Hillsong did a medley of all their previous hits and it was really cool .... Also, Isreal Houghton was there as one of the Worship Leaders. i was soo blessed that i signed up for the 2012 Conference!! wooow ...

Thank you Lord for this wonderful night, i will truly cherish it, as it is a turning point for my life .. THE BEST IS YET TO COME!! AMEN!! ..XD

!!!!

One Last Cry ...

Lord, please help me ...

I am struggling really hard, i need Your guidance, i need Your strength, i need Your love, i need Your forgiveness ... please God ..

I don't know how i am going to go through this life without You, i need You by my side to hold me ...

At the moment, i am really trying to take each day at a time, i really want to be free Lord, and not trapped within this bondage ...

i have been a slave for far too long, and i want to be renewed and refreshed in You. Please fill me with all Your positive thoughts, thoughts that build me up and strengthen me and please help me to cast out all other negative thoughts etc ...

i really want to join you in Heaven, in all its glory, and i'm afraid that at the rate i am now, i might not be there ......

Awesome Day!!! ^^

Today was soooo cool!! ..

We went to Tree Tops Adventure Site, which is located at Blue Gums Regional Park, near Newcastle. When we got there, we were taught how to work the harness and Caribbean clips and also the gadget for the flying fox.

There were 4 courses: Green, Blue, Red, and Black.

The Green course was pretty easy, the Blue started to get a bit harder, the Red was quite hard, and the Black was the hardest!! Damn! ... also, we did not get to eat during the 4 hours on the course, so my energy had almost run out, so i was quite exhausted. There were also parts where the logs and stuff weren't stable and so we had to use alot of upper arm and body strength ...

But overall, it was really fun! (eventhough my body is aching =P) ...

After that we went to KFC, and then went Home! sooo tired .. Zz.z.Z.z..Z.

An Early Night ...

Yup, as the name implies, tonight is an early night.

This is because tomorrow we are having an outing with our youth, we are going to Tree Tops Adventure Site, where we can do activities all on high ropes. It should be really fun and i am really looking forward to it! yayyy ..

On another note, we also had cell group today. We basically had sharing and testimonials and also had Pizza. Our cell group leader Eva also announced that Ko Handy (her bf) had proposed to her and that she is going to go back to indo soon to prepare the preparations! Wooww ... time flies and things are going soo fast .. anyways all the best Va, and God Speed ...

So Yeh! .. gonna sleep soon ... Goodnite all,
I might blog about tomorrow's wild adventure! =P

PS. i finished Assassin's Creed on PSP and it was quite good .. =)

Don't Know Why ...

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

Heueheuhehueh ..

Today i had a work "Guest path Training" thing for about 3 hours, basically they tell us how to act and greet customers. It was quite boring because i always treat the customer with respect hehe ....

But then, on the way home, the traffic was sooooo bad!

It took like 90 minutes to get home, and during the ride i had a very big headache and my stomach wasn't feeling too well. It was found that a rush of air decreased the wooziness, so we put the air-con on even though it was winter and it was raining outside lolz ..

On the flip-side, i just wanna say that i love my Piano!

i hope to learn more tunes, especially Jazz tunes coz i love Jazz .. =)

Pissed Off ..

Don't you just hate it when your expectations and views of someone are a complete opposite of the truth?

It's like you look up to them,
really care for them,
but what do you get back?

CRAP.

That is how i am currently feeling. i try to be nice to someone, try to engage in conversation, try to keep in contact with them, and all i get in response is nothing. it's like they do not even regard my existence ...

But i have had it, everyone has a limit, and it looks like i broke mine today. i just cannot tolerate it anymore, i don't care about that person now, why bother with someone when they do not treat you with respect ..

Beautiful Sunday ...

Yup, what a beautiful day today, and it is all because of the great weather the Lord has bestowed upon us .. =)

Today i did the usual, went to church, and then went to Hurstville, which is our 2nd branch. i quite like the place because of its carpet floors, cozy seats, working air-cons and heaters, and also the room is smaller so there is not alot of echo with the musical instruments and vocals. The preaching was alrite, although the guy was a bit boring, i admit i nearly fell asleep heheh ...

I just wanna have a little shoutout to one of my best mates: Bryce.

He is going through a rough patch in his life, and i hope that he finds comfort in the Lord and also find rest and peace in HIM. i believe that everything happens for a reason, and i know that God has a plan in his life, and these things just happened because God really cares for him and wants him to find his own path, eventhough it might be hard ....

Keep fighting yooooo!! .. Be blessed everyone & Happy Sunday! ^^"

Disappointed .. =(

Just a little expression of how i am feeling ...

I feel disappointed like i let God down, because of what i have done. I really tried to resist, but it seems that sin just got the better of me, something that i must look out for in the future. i do not want to feel this guilt and condemnation, but somehow, i do feel it, it is like a virus that is slowly eating away at my healthy cells.

I know i let HIM down, but i am going to keep trying. i will NEVER give up, because i know HE has great things in store for me, i just need to pass this test.

So mark my words satan, I WILL BE VICTORIOUS!!!!

Day 1 of Freedom

Well, it is my first day of freedom,
And let's just say it feels really great haha ...

The feeling of not having a care in the world, the feeling of no assignments and assessments, the feeling of not having to learn and understand core values and objectives, it feels just great! ... until i go back to uni lolz .. ^^"

Nothing much happened today, i just did an online Level 1 Food Hygiene Course for my work at Delaware North, after they review my details they are going to send it back and also post me my certificate! yaayyy ...

Now that i am free, i should catch-up with my friends ... oh well, i can do that next week, this week is just a rest & relax period hehe ..

Also, yesterday i went to bRice's place and played his PS3! .. Assassin's Creed is quite a good game, awesome graphics and u can just randomly kill people which is always fun ... we also played GT5 ... awesome cars that one ...

i also got the OST from him which is pretty nice .. =)

Anyways, Till next time!!

i.am.free

Finally!!! ... I am free from exams!!!

WaaahhhoOoOoOoOoOo ...

Now time to socialise, catch-up with frens, and work! =D

Ahhhhhh ....

I need to cram!!! ..
Sooo Stressed!!! ..
Exam on Tues & Wed!!!

You can do it Ray!! ..
FOCUS, BELIEVE, ACHIEVE!!! ... lolz ..

Movie Review: Sucker Punch

STORY - 7/10

The story was about a young girl named "Babydoll" who is framed by her Stepdad for the murder of her sister and placed in a Mental Institution where he intends to lobotomize her in 5 days. While there, "Babydoll" plans to escape with 4 other girls: Sweet pea, Rocket, Blondie, and Amber, while retreating into a fantasy world to help cope with the different missions she plans to accomplish.
The story was a bit bizzare and the movie had kinda a post-apocalyptic feel to it, there were also lots of special effects. The ending was also quite unexpected, and i won't spoil it for those that haven't seen it hehe ..

EFFECTS - 7.5/10

The special effects were really decent, although there were some parts where it seemed really flawed and unrealistic, for example: "Babydoll" being thrown like 50 metres and emerging from the rubble unscathed. They had a variety of scenes that included CGI, such as the World War scene, and the runaway train bomb scene which added more flavour and a sense of variety that was different.

Overall, this film combines special effects with a twisted story-line and also hot chicks. This movie would be recommended for action fans who like chicks with guns and samurai swords who don't really care too much about the story-line.

Fishy Fishy Fishy .... ?!

As the heading implies, this post is about Fish! ..


My dad got a free fish tank and so he decided to fill it up and put it in the living room so that it would be nice and also add decoration, so after filling it up with H2O and all the accessories such as the stones, filter, and fake seaweed, he placed it in our living room, and i have to admit, it looks quite nice hehe ...


As you can see, it looks very nice, the lighting gives the water a kind of sparkle.

On another note, my 2 Angelfishes have given birth! Yuppz, they got together and got very busy!! lol ... I think the babies are a couple of days old to one week old. All they ever do is wriggle and they look sooo cute! Too bad if i or anyone goes near it, the mother Angelfish starts to get aggressive ...


That's the father over there trying to protect his young from Moi!!! hehe ..

Soo that's it! .. I should really get back to studying ... Toodles! ^^

Having a rough time?

I just wanted to express my thoughts a little bit about the problems we encounter in this life.

I am right now facing a little problem myself, a problem that i fear will turn out to be very bad in the not-so-distant future if it keeps happening. I am trying very hard to solve it, but sometimes it is just so hard ....

But whatever you are going through, know that someone cares. That someone has been with you the day you were born, and He will be with you till the day you take your last breath. That someone is of course GOD.

He really cares for you, if fact, He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for us. In doing so, we can now have a personal relationship with the Father and we also have a way into the pearly gates of Heaven.

So give all your doubts, fears, and burdens to Him, and He will indeed give you rest. He did not say that life will be a walk in the park, but He did say that whenever we need help, He will always be there guiding us. Believe in Him if you can, after all, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

If we live in His commands and have a personal relationship, there is nothing that can shake us and He will pour down His blessings upon us and bring out a better future of blue skies and bliss.

Focus!!

Isn't it annoying how every time when you are in an exam period, something happens to come up that takes your focus away and makes you procrastinate even more?

I'm talking in regards to THIS BLOG!!!! lol ... ><"

MUST FOCUS!! MUST FOCUS!! FIGHTING!!!

Fighting is sooo difficult!!

Haven't been here in ages!!

Well guys, I've decided to use this blog over Xanga because Xanga has too many commerical adds and whatnot, and it is really getting under my skin.

Just a little update about what I'm doing right now:

+ Studying for Plant Phys and Biochem exam!!!
+ I have a Car!! Yuppz, its a 2004 BMW 318i, and I love it to death .. =P
+ I'm working at the SFS/SCG as a casual .. But i really need another job ..

And yeh, that's about it!

I might post more often after my exams because it is Holiday period!

.. Waaaahhooooo ... oo .. o ..

Lucky Lucky!!!