I Hate Myself

I really hate myself, because of the fool I have been ....

As Sebastian my work mate usually says, I feel like I wanna neck myself ...

The one thing that I have worked so hard at keeping it away from myself has just come back in a rush of adrenaline and earthly/worldly impulses. I just dont know what to do with myself. I hate myself so much for doing these things that upset the Lord and keep me away from really experiencing Him. He is holy and I am definately not. How can I sing and say "Lord, Lord!", yet I do not do the things He says? ....... I am just a hypocrite.

All I know is that this has got to stop.

If this continues, it will affect my future in an oh-so negative way and I am actually not exaggerating with this one. It can have ripples in my life and affect the way God wants Me to be.

I Hate you devil. I hate that you have a hold on Me. I hate that no matter what I do or how I try to avoid it, he is always there to lurk his ugly face ...... I really hate this feeling of guilt and condemnation .... I just want to be free ...

I just want ... to be ... free ...

A Guilty Conscience ...

Dont you just hate that feeling of guilt?

It creeps up on you like a lion waiting to prance on its prey. That feeling you get when you have done something that is morally wrong and you just know it in your heart.

I hate this feeling. It makes me feel unworthy, uncertain, sad, and depressed. It just disconnects me to God and also to the people around me. I wish there was a way that I could just start over if I had known all this was going to happen. Now, I fear that it is extremely difficult to get back to the way that things were.

I fear that the devil has warped my mind, negative thoughts and negative thinking always lurks around there and it is affecting my life and my perspective on life itself. Sometimes I feel that I am over it, but over times it feels as though there is no way out ....

However, I believe that JESUS CHRIST has forgiven my sins and that I am worthy of His love, kindess and grace. If there is anyone who can fix me and make me whole again it is Him. He will never leave me nor forsake me, He is my best friend and my comforter, the only truth in my life. I believe that I can do all things through Him.

I know that there are alot of obstacles in life and that sometimes we can falter and fall. But I also know that He is there to pick me up whenever I fall and that He is with me every step of the way.

Thanks Lord for your forgiveness, please help me to stand back up and fight this battle in the spiritual realm .....

Yours Sincerley,

Your Servant.

~ aPpLe FrEaK ~

Hey Guys, i just wanna say:

I LOVE APPLE!!!!!

Random Post ...

It has been a while since I was last here. I guess I just have things on my mind at the moment and I needed to release those thoughts and here I am .... Writing this blog ..

Things that have updated since I was here is that I am currently on the Christmas Holidays, where I have found a job, by the grace of God. I am currently working at Salmat Australia full time, and I am just thankful that I can have a source of income to fund my random endeavours.

Also, I also bought a 13" 2.8GHZ Macbook Pro, and I love it to bits. No more am I going to stay with Windows, Mac is just way better and also more Stylish. The trackpad makes it so easy to get stuff done and I dont even need a mouse anymore. I also love the videos that you can create with iMovie, especially the movie trailers and making slideshows.

Other than that, everything just seems monotonous. I kinda feel alone in my own weird way, even though I know that the Holy Spirit is with Me. I guess I just wish I had that special someone who I can share everyting to. Someone that will be there for Me and not judge Me for what I look like.

I guess I also feel like my life isnt moving forward. Nothing has changed really, and I still feel the same for the past 3 years. I just wish I could be more mature and see things in a more positive outlook ..... I feel withdrawn .... I feel like a shrimp floating through the ocean, not doing much with life and what it has to offer ....

I know that I really need to make a change if I were to have a home, wife, and Family in the future. I know that I need to get my act together and be the man that God whats me to be .... I need to stop living in Sin, and live a holy life, a life that is pleasing to the Lord ...

A couple of church sermons have hit me in some ways. If the Rapture were to appear, would I be taken up to the clouds to mee the Almighty Lord? or am I doomed to spend eternity in a place where HE is not present ..... I know that I am saved and that My hope is in Him, but its just so hard to focus on Him when there are sooo many things in this world that can lead us to fall ..... If I am left behind and have to face the tortures of the Anti-Christ, will I last? .... I actually have a low tolerance for pain and without the holy Spirit there to help Me, What will happen?

All I know is that starting from now one, I must be serious and focus on running this race called life to reach the end. I know that God is with Me wherever I go and that HIS mercy is forever.