This.Has.To.End.

No matter how much i try to fight it, i always fail.

This post might sound a bit depressing, but it is true. i am sure i have posted about this issue of mine in the previous posts. It's not suprising that nothing has changed, although sooo bad in my heart, i want it to change.

i know i have the strength to fight this, the willpower to overcome it, but everytime it presents itself to me, i feel like my body is being controlled by my mind/brain and not my heart; my flesh controlling my spirit, ultimatley leading to the cravings of the flesh.

It has been around 2 years and 5 months since this dark cloud has surrounded me.

As much as i try to resist its tempting grip on me, i always seem to fall into its clutches, into the gravity that pulls me back down into its claws.

And each time it happens i promise myself that i would beat this, that i would overcome it in the near future and be free, but in the end, i am just a victim, a puppet being controlled by the puppetmaster of evil.

i can feel a part of me die everytime it happens. A part of my soul/innocence that i cannot get back. i have been exposed to way too much, Things that i shouldn't be looking at, Things that my eyes should shun from.

Now everytime i close my eyes, i don't see peace or God ... just those images.

Lord i pray, Please help me ...